Traces of Sadness
by Neru
Summary: Subaru's life as the Sakurazukamori isn't easy. He has denied his convictions, he has lost his dreams. How much more will he bear? What has he understood by accepting Seishirou's power?


Disclaimer: Tokyo Babylon and X are not mine. The title and the song "Traces of Sadness" belong to Vanilla Ninja.  
  
The text switches between the third person and Subaru's POV.  
  
TRACES OF SADNESS  
  
A young man, dressed in a long, raven-black trenchcoat passes the noisy crowd, looking somewhere in the emptiness beyond him. Perplexed, loud people seem not to gain a second glance from him, but on the other side, he makes a group of girls exchange whispers, giggles and blushes.  
  
He is indeed handsome, the cold perfect beauty of an angel, icily unapproachable. But there is no angelic smile on his face, it is only a wonderful mask of a tired, broken man, who has no interest in anything, anymore.  
  
::He'd just reached the bitter end- that point of no return  
  
There was nothing left to reach::  
  
He heads towards Ueno Park, taking firm, fast steps, moving with natural, unconstrained grace. It looks as if he barely touches the ground; more lightly soaring than simply walking.  
  
In the park, he immediately walks to the splendid sakura tree, which now is in full blossom, covered with airy, delicate pink petals. Some of them fall to the ground, dancing and swirling silently before sinking into the subsoil. He catches one of the subtle petals and looks at it wistfully, then smashes it, throwing paltry leavings away. He gazes at the tree again, with strange mix of hatred and admiration in his eyes, but it lasts only a while, before he returns to his unemotional, blank expression.  
  
It is strange how I walk, not seeing anything but the road under my feet, how I look at people and don't see them. I'm living but it's not a true life anymore. The better word to describe is: existing, nothing more and maybe something less.  
  
I'm aware than Dragons of Heaven are fighting somewhere, being hurt for the sake of this world, and in order to grant their Wishes. I was supposed to that as well, but I have no intention for this reality to continue. The reality, its borders are blurry and sometimes I'm lost among the illusions and nightmares. In fact, everything now is nothing but a nightmare, it is only worse because I know I cannot wake up from it, nor escape.  
  
::Just traces of sadness  
  
All the tears remained uncried::  
  
There is nothing I could call my Wish, and any other, small wishes are over, too. Hope, dreams, wishful thinking, the things that help people with coping the hardships of the life are no more in my heart. Depths of my soul indeed resemble a desert, miserable, dry, with no water and lots of deadly, killing heat.  
  
Every eases eventually turn out to be an illusion, a fantasy of a thirsty heart, which simply needs the touch, the acceptance... but nevertheless, the only person I wanted those things from is no more here.  
  
Or nowhere else.  
  
I can't bring the tears out, choking with it. I know it's pathetic how I'm still crying over it, but I do not care. For all I ever hoped for was taken away, by my own hands. For my faint dream that we could get a second chance was ripped away and faded in the bloody sunrise.  
  
::Just echoes of madness  
  
All his fantasies had died::  
  
Kamui and others are probably worried about me, but I prefer that my whereabouts would stay unknown to them. They can't convince me, bring me back, make me change my decision. Perhaps they would be mad because I had become the Sakurazukamori, I denied my faiths and convictions, but they really don't need to tell me that.  
  
I'm far too familiar with what Sakurazukamori does, because I didn't refuse feeding the Tree. It is sickly funny; I always intended to help people, to protect them, and now I simply take away their lives. Blood stains my hands and now this redness on the black gloves belongs not to his crimes, but to my own ones.  
  
I rarely even feel pity for those I kill and I despise myself for it. I guess I am just so empty that all human impulses or emotions are reduced to the minimum. Was Seishirou-san like that?  
  
If yes, then all his words were lies. Then he lied to me all the time, deceiving me with a fake smile, and laughing at my naivete. I rather want to believe only I'm so bitter, and he really had got feelings for me. Even if it was not an emotion we usually mean when we say "love", it's still much since he was meant to be totally emotionless.  
  
::He buried his daydreams  
  
But the nightmares stayed alive::  
  
We were truly addicted to each other, utterly obsessed. I tried to pretend I hated him, I lived waiting for the moment I could finally kill him, but he knew it was not true. Or maybe he did not know that. Perhaps he thought I couldn't forgive him.  
  
::Addiction's like a fence  
  
That keeps away your second chance  
  
When the road to freedom ends::  
  
I had forgiven him. But until the very end I didn't understand why this all happened, why he did all those things to me. His actions denied his words, but maybe he believed it was otherwise. I still don't understand him, although I have his eye and power now. I hoped it will help me with learning why, but it failed to do so. It still remains the deepest enigma to me, but maybe it is better that way.  
  
The Tree is complaining again. This old weedy tree really knows no limits and for me, it is far too quickly hungry. I gave it a meal yesterday and it demands more and more.  
  
Maybe that's how it goes.  
  
I'm going to be as cruel as him in the end, as it happens to every assassin. I refuse to even imagine I could take pleasure from killing. It's just not me. But again, I lost my self long ago.  
  
::He walked that one way street  
  
That leads into desperation  
  
And he learned the hardest way::  
  
In the deep night, the man again passes the streets, but this time no one is around. His eyes are totally blank and he doesn't bother with the blood dripping down his trenchcoat. He looks miserable and soon his look stops being so emotionless. Now the strong pain and regret so bitter than it almost hurts is visible in his mismatched eyes.  
  
He clenches his fists and trembles violently, falling on his knees. He is crying but with no tears. It is the saddest image possible, the man who cries without tears. The man who suffers so much that even the most bitter tears can't ease his sorrow.  
  
:: Deep down in his soul he found  
  
The words he had to learn  
  
There is no way to return ::  
  
He slowly stood up, still shaking. Step by step he began to walk, to nowhere in particular. He needed to just do something, even if it was only wandering around.  
  
::Nothing left to reach::  
  
One single tear has fallen down my cheek and I gasped. I looked at the stains on my hands, the best proofs that I've just took away someone's life. It erases everything that made me. It denies everything I was and I wanted to be. It makes impossible who I had wanted to become.  
  
I have become what I despised and done what I condemned. How come it all went so horribly wrong? It wasn't meant to be this way... What did I spoil? What mistake did I do to deserve for this? What have we done?  
  
Maybe there isn't any good answer. Perhaps we were chosen to be the fate's little toys and it played with us sadistically. Whatever it may be, there is no way to change it, or return to where we were. I would give anything to start again with people I love but I know it is not possible.  
  
For what I've become they surely hate me now. Maybe they would forgive me somehow, but I know I am not able to forgive myself anymore. I have no clue why Seishirou-san wanted me to become Sakurazukamori. Or maybe it was just kind of a by-product, and all he longed for was death by my hands. Whatever it was, now it does not matter much. Past is past, present is present and future... I don't think there is a future.  
  
There is just nothing left.  
  
:: Just traces of sadness  
  
All the tears remained uncried  
  
Just echoes of madness  
  
All his fantasies had died  
  
He buried his daydreams  
  
But the nightmares stayed alive::  
  
OWARI  
  
I'm kind of depressed at the moment and that's what flows from my bad mood. Please review, I'd be happy to know if you like it.  
  
And Subaru's not the only one who keeps on crying over Seishirou... I still can't get over it, too. 


End file.
